But I just have to write this out,I think, all thids randomness in my head, just to purge it, just to get it out there and maybe i can get back to normal again if I do that, because that has always been my therapy before, except that i would write it out in long hand in a book, a journal, but I can't even write anymore, really -- i can barely read my own writing anymore because all i do anymore is type. But its been a bad week, as far as being depressed. I haven't been this depressed in a long long time. I just feel so frustrated with it -- i want to scream, but then I don't -- I want to scream inward. I want to go as far inward as I can. I feel like I am going to implode because in my mind I just want to roll into a ball in the corner of the room, squeezing tighter and tighter, pressing harder and harder against the wall -- as much as I can to stay in here and not leave the bedroom and not go outside and not see people. But I want to -- I want to be rid of it. I want to but I guess I don't want to bad enough yet -- or welse I would. I'd rather just press against that wall until I just beome a black stain on the wall. Why Why WHy -- I try so hard -- in my mind -- i want so much for my mind to allow me to do the things I want to do and it won't. It holds me here. It says that I can't do it -- evben the smallest of things, and it makes me do things or say thinsg or dfeel things to sabotage any bit of normalness or happiness or future for myself. OMG all I can think of is pushing myself into that corner, literally!